《孔雀东南飞》英语剧本,搞笑版的孔雀东南飞故事。
篇一：孔雀东南飞搞笑剧本剧本
《孔雀东南飞》剧本
旁白：东汉末建安年间，庐江太守衙门里的小官吏焦仲卿的妻子刘兰芝被焦仲卿的母亲赶回娘家，她回娘家后发誓不再嫁人。她的娘家逼迫她改嫁，她便投水死了。焦仲卿听到兰芝投水而死这件事，也在自家庭院的树上吊死了。当时的人哀悼他们.写下这首诗记述这件事。；
【孔雀鸟向东南方向飞去，飞上五里便徘徊一阵】
刘兰芝: 大家好!我就是传说中美貌与智慧并重、温柔与体贴的化身----刘兰芝我十三能织布,十四学裁衣,十五弹箜篌,十六诵诗书……
焦母: (拄拐上场,吼道)你死哪去了!还不赶紧去做饭!
兰芝: (低眉顺眼并给婆婆行礼)婆婆……我这就去给您做饭?今天咱们吃面条,行么? 焦母: (面朝天,生气状)面条……面条,太滑!
兰芝: (委曲求全)那……那……咱们吃包子?
焦母: (顿了顿拐)包子！！！包子,太腻!
兰芝: (声音哽咽)那……吃饼成不?
焦母: (白了兰芝一眼)不行!不行!烙饼太硬!
兰芝: (泪水溢满眼眶,强忍不流)那婆婆,你想吃什么,我去给您做。
焦母: (怒斥)算了吧！你这个笨婆娘！我们焦家怎么娶了你？连饭都做不好！下去吧！算了，快下去……真烦死人了！
（兰芝黯然转身，坐在椅子上哭，焦母下场，兰芝转身坐在椅子上哭，仲卿上） 仲卿：（远行刚回家，看见兰芝在哭，急忙放下行李作揖到她面前安慰道）娘子，你这是怎么了？（急切）
兰芝: 相公几日不见，你又消瘦了！
仲卿：娘子更堪憔悴，母亲又说你来吧！娘子受苦了！
兰芝: (兰芝低头沉默接着说)只怕……只怕……母亲是不会留我了!
仲卿：娘子莫担心,我不会让你离开我的!待我再向母亲求情!(焦下)
(仲卿一边走一边犹豫,经过一番思考,他终于来到母亲的房门,焦母正襟危坐于前焦上前去一鞠躬)
仲卿：母亲啊!你看兰芝她温柔体贴,对您恭敬孝顺,你为什么总是不满意呢?
焦母: 乖儿子,听话?那种女人不要也罢!娘再给你找一个好媳妇。喏……东家有个芙蓉姐姐，名叫秦罗敷 娘看她是人见人爱，花见花开，车见车爆胎，她和你啊，真是龙配龙，凤配凤，老鼠配臭虫！
仲卿：啊！
焦母: 青蛙配恐龙！
仲卿：啊！
焦母: 奥……不对!美女配英雄!
仲卿：不,孩儿已和兰芝立下山盟海誓、相伴终生,我是风儿,她是沙,我是叶儿她是花,我是……
焦母: 够了,你放了肆了,大了胆了,有能耐了是不是,我的话也不听,说不行!就不行!你们俩立马断交,立刻!马上!
(焦抱着头,仲卿被母亲赶了出来,满脸沮丧的来到兰芝屋里)
仲卿：(深情的)娘子
兰芝: 相公无须多言,小女子什么都明白了。
仲卿：兰芝你先放心回家，等我把母亲搞定了，就来接你！
兰芝: 相公……【唱 我舍不得…可是时间回不去了】
仲卿：（感动有感而发）如果我有一千万，我就能买一栋房子，我有一千万么？没有！所以我没有买。如果我有翅膀，我就能飞，我有翅膀么？没有！所以我不会飞。如果我能等一个
人，！是的！我能！如果要在这个时间上加一个期限的话，我愿意是一万年！【唱爱你一万年…】 兰芝: （感动流泪状）啥也别说了，感情都在酒里了!【拿个杯子喝交杯酒】
旁白: (分别依依不舍,兰芝带着仲卿的希望回到家中,可是!到了家门口,她想到自己被休,不禁又感到害怕)
兰芝: (害怕状)母亲……母亲!我回来了!
兰芝母: (十分生气,十分吃惊)你真是放了肆了!大了胆了!有能耐了!是不是!被人休了!还好意思回来!说!为什么被休呀!
兰芝: 我没做错什么?是仲卿她娘看我不顺眼,就把我赶回来了!(同情状并轻轻挽着女儿的手) 兰芝母: (理解状)原来是这样呀!女儿呀!你真是命苦呀!你先回房休息吧!别太伤心! 兰芝: (应答)那娘我先回房休息了。
旁白: （兰芝被休的消息很快传了出去，几天后的一个月明高照的晚上，县令家的三公子出来赏月，不知不觉来到了刘府）
三少爷: (君望月)今天的月亮真圆呀!就像烧饼,就是芝麻少了点?呀!兰芝家的灯还开着,难道她也在赏月?正好!趁现在!……唱:今夜我又来到你的窗前,窗帘上你的影子多么可爱,默默的爱了你这么多年,今夜我要向你……表白……
兰芝: 仲卿……仲卿!是你么?
三少爷: (痛苦状)不!我是府君!
兰芝: (变色冷冷地说)是你呀!你来做什么!
三少爷: 兰芝,有一句话很早就想对你说了,其实……其实……我很……
兰芝: 你还是走吧!我的心今生今世只属于一个人!奥!仲卿……(抬头望着天空表示天真)我的爱人!你在哪里?
三少爷: 兰芝……兰芝!我一定会让你嫁给我的!
旁白: (第二天,县令派媒人到刘府提亲 [媒婆上场]
媒婆: 终于轮到我了,各位观众!我就是前无古人、后无来者、驰名中外的跨世纪金牌媒人----铁尺铜牙“小甜甜”创业数十年来，凭俺沉鱼落雁、闭月羞花之貌、能起死回生的三寸不烂之舌，促成了多少美好姻缘，连月老前天还说，要拜俺为师呢？哈！哈！哈！哈！哎吆！……到了！（走到门前敲门）叮咚……
刘母: 谁呀!谁呀!来了!来了!(开门)你找谁呀!阿婆?
媒婆: 哎吆!看你说的!人家可是黄花大闺女?(同时做手势 羞涩拿手绢[没有手绢拿卫生纸代替]挡着脸)
刘母: 奥!对不起!那你有事么?姑娘!媒婆: 是这样的,县令家的三公子,看上你们家的刘姑娘了,他对她是一见钟情、越陷越深、茶饭不思、水米不进,叶县令特意派我来提亲的! 刘母: 兰芝……兰芝!她……
媒婆: 你还犹豫什么?这可是叶家的三公子呀!那人长得绝了!才十八岁!正当壮年!尤其是!
那张嘴,特能白活【河南话……】
刘母: 不是这个问题呀!是……
媒婆: 那是什么问题!你们家不就是想嫁个有钱人吗?这不是你们想要的有钱人吗? 刘母: 那我去问问兰芝吧!兰芝…… 兰芝: 娘,有事吗?
刘母: 闺女呀!叶家来提亲了,你意见如何呀?
兰芝: 娘呀!我不想嫁给三少爷,我和仲卿分开的时候,约定好了!我不嫁呀! 刘母: 我看人家条件不错!就嫁了吧! 那个焦仲卿还不一定回来接你呢?
兰芝: 我曾与仲卿许下诺言，除非海水变黄金，满天掉馅饼，不然永不相弃的，还是算了罢。刘母: 唉!
媒婆: 说什么呢?真是彪死人了!不嫁算了!可别后悔!(转身拿出手机给三公子打电话) 媒婆: 哈罗呀!三公子呀!
三少爷: 怎么样?搞定了没有呀?
媒婆: 哎呀!…小女子对不住您啊!俺把公子您的风流潇洒都说尽了，可那小娘子竟然是王八吃秤砣铁了心啊，她要和那个那个什么焦的永不相弃啊……
三少爷: 我晕!就这样你还铁齿铜牙呢？饭桶，一群饭桶！还是待本公子亲自出马！(挂机)兰芝: (兰芝一个人在家里,对着墙壁不禁又想起了仲卿)君当做磐石,妾当做蒲苇,蒲苇纫如丝,磐石无转移(思念状)山无棱天地和,才敢与君决。仲卿你知道我在想你吗?
刘兄: 哎呀,哎呀!喜事呀,天大的喜事呀!兰芝,太守府今日来提亲了,这可是天大的喜讯呀!兰芝: 哥,我不嫁!
刘兄: 什么!(大怒)你傻了不是,这么好的婚事你还要拒绝,人家没嫌你,就是你这儿辈子修来的福了,你还……
兰芝: 哥,你甭说了,我死也不同意!
刘兄: 你……你,你怎么就这么不开窍呀!你想啊!你若嫁给府君!就会有享不尽的荣华富贵,我还可以弄个官来做做,可你……
兰芝: 我不在乎这些!
【场景转换】
三少爷: 凉风有信,秋月无边,思娇之情,度日如年啊!我虽不是高大威猛,风流倜傥,但我有广阔的胸襟加强劲的臂膀。（路上遇见兰芝）哇噻!美女!(激动上前拥抱,兰芝躲开,三公子抱住刘兄,急忙松开)刘兄: 哎呀!这不是三公子吗?兰芝还不来拜见三公子!(兰芝不安,上前作揖) 三少爷: 兰芝美眉…一日不见,如三秋兮,你让我等的好苦啊!
兰芝: 三公子请自重,奴家已有意中人,我与仲卿立下山盟海誓,终生相伴。我是风儿，他是沙。我是牙膏，他是刷。我是乌龟，他是青蛙。
三少爷: 你是天鹅，他是癞蛤蟆!那个焦什么卿的，啊！有我帅吗?有我有钱吗?有我这么有品味吗?有当县令的老爹罩着吗?
刘兄: 就是,就是!想我们三公子!才高八斗,学富五车高大威猛英俊潇洒,号称一颗青松压海棠……三公子不要着急,是我们家兰芝糊涂,这门亲事咱们做定了!
兰芝: 我不嫁!
刘兄: 闭嘴,你嫁也得嫁,不嫁也得嫁!
兰芝: 你……(无奈)
三少爷: 如此最好了!娘子,小生就待择日来迎娶你了。(唱)你要是嫁人不要嫁给别人一定要嫁给我。哈哈…
旁白: (兰芝想到自己将要嫁给府君,就坐立不安,不知不觉走出家门,却正好看到闻讯赶来的仲卿)
兰芝: 仲卿!
仲卿：兰芝!
兰芝: 你……来晚了,明天我将成为别人的新娘了!
仲卿：真是可喜可贺呀,磐石方且厚,可以卒千年!蒲苇一时纫,便做旦夕间。你就要做叶家少奶奶了,还说什么诺言呀!(生气)
兰芝: 唉!你又何必如此呢!同样是被逼的,这世道不容我们,那我们来世再见。 仲卿：不求同年同月同日生,但求同年同月同日死(深情状)
兰芝: 在天愿做比翼鸟，在地愿为连理枝（深情状）
仲卿与兰芝: 我们来世再见!
仲卿回到家 与母亲说道：母亲，儿子要先走一步，你不要太想念我，要是想的慌 我会回来看看你的 祝您身体健康 寿比南山 【抹泪状】
母亲【惊吓 悲伤状】：儿子你不要这么忍心抛下我 世间女子这么多 你何必在一棵树上吊死呢 东边有个不错的美眉 我去帮你提亲 她肯定不会拒绝的
【仲卿拒绝了母亲 回到房间叹息】
旁白:(天亮了母亲又来催了,叶家的花轿已经来了,兰芝终于下定决心)
兰芝: (痛苦状)为什么我的命这么苦!相爱的人不能在一起?唉!仲卿我去了。（于是跳湖自尽）
旁白:(仲卿听到兰芝自杀的消息后,急忙跑出房门)
仲卿：兰芝,你真的自杀了,好!我们地下相见吧!等我!【上吊身亡】
旁白:(就这样相爱的人被分开,甜蜜的家被撤散,美满的幸福被冲淡……焦刘两家丧子之痛无法挽回，他们将仲卿与兰芝的尸体和葬在华山之上，在坟墓的东西种上松柏，南北种上梧桐，枝叶相互交错，异常茂盛，在树丛中栖生着一对飞鸟，名叫鸳鸯。白天，行人听了他们的叫声驻足静听；夜晚，寡妇听了他们的叫声，起床彷徨。再三警告后人，要从这件事中取得教训，万万不能忘！！)
篇二：9到10人 英语剧本 ---孔雀东南飞现代搞笑版英文
9到10人 英语剧本 ---孔雀东南飞现代搞笑版英文
2011-05-03 17:47
Performance @ College : Story of Johnny and Lunch (孔雀东南飞现代搞笑版)
Characters:
Prologue
(J作被打状跑上台，内砸出一个纸筒，J被打中，狼狈不堪)
J: Everybody says that I'm henpecked, but in fact, I'm as strong as a tiger. (Whisper)While my wife is Wu Song. (拍门大叫)I'm not afraid of you! （内砸出一脸盆，J接着当成盾牌护着）Then,I'm afraid of whom? My wife lunch is the most famous woman in neighbourhood. She's braver than me,smarter than me and stronger than me.All of this I do not care. I just want her to be tender than me. But she isn't! Having a wife like this is just like living in the hell!
Act One
(序幕结束时，JM作窃听状)
JM:(拄着拐棍上)I can! (对门内)Lunch! Lunch! Where are you?
L：（揸住锅铲，扎着围裙，从门内跳出来）I'm here!I'm cutting chicken. What's up mum? JM: I've told you again and again that you should call me "my most beautiful, graceful and dearest mother-in-law".
L: Ok. My most beautiful, graceful and dearest mother-in-law, what's up?
JM:Since you married my son you have behaved so badly, been so rude, so brusque, so lazy...
L: But...
JM:Never interrupt me!
L: Never interrupt me! Since I married your son, that terrible Johnny, I have been working hard all day, cooking and washing. I have raised tens of thousands of pigs and ducks and chickens and...
JM: But all those you have done are not as valuable as a grandson!
L:(生气挥动锅铲)Oh, you want a grandson, don't you?(开始脱围裙) Go and ask your son. I'm leaving!(扔下围裙，扔到JM脸上，下台)
Act Two
(LM坐在台上打毛线，L拿着锅铲上台)
L: Mum, I'm back.
LM: You're back? Why? What happened?
L: I was kicked out by my most beautiful, graceful and dearest mother-in-law. LM(惊讶，但随即露出幸灾乐祸的神情):See! I have already told you! When you insisted on marrying that terrible Johnny, I told you that he is ugly, stupid and poor. But you didn't listen to me. Look at yourself now!
L: But, mum...
LM: Never interrupt me!
L: Mum, I'm not interrupting you. I just want to tell you that you are always right, OK? And I'll marry whomever you want me to.
LM: (大喜)Nice girl! Just now, I met the Mayor's Son in the market. He said,"If your daughter haven't been married, I really really want to marry her!" Now that you're free again, I'll go and tell him (下台).
L: (惊愣)What? The Mayor's Son? The most famous play boy in neightbourhood? (手中锅铲掉地上)What a silly thing I have done!(下台)
Act Three
(J 睡眼惺忪上台)
J: (边走边道)Lunch! Lunch! Where are my socks? (走几步，在地上捡起袜子) Here they are! (闻一下) ER...How smelly! They're still dirty! (突然想起) Lunch has gone! I have to wash them myself! （肚子似乎咕咕叫了起来）Oh, I'm so hungry, but there is no breakfast! (捡起地上的围裙) This is Lunch's apron(围裙)! I miss her...EXCELLENT cooking skill so much! Now that she has gone, I have to cook for my mother and myself. JM:(上台) Where's my breakfast? Where is Lunch? Hasn't she got up yet? J：Mum, can't you remember? Lunch has gone!
JM: (沉吟片刻) Well, to tell you the truth, Johnny, a son without a wife is useless. Lunch is a nice girl. Go and take her back.
J: (立正敬礼)YES, MADAM!
ACT FORE
(J 开心地走着，忽然跳出三强盗)
A: Hey you! Stop and listen to me. The road is built by me!(一脚踩在一石头上) B: And I planted one tree!(踩同一石头)
C: If you want to go by this street...(欲踩石头，但踩到A的脚)
B：Give us...
A: All
C: your money!
J: （搜遍每一口袋，掏出一1角硬币）Is 1 mao enough?
(ABC晕倒状，接着三人聚在一边商量)
A: What a bad luck! This guy is broken!
B: If we can't rob any money today, we'll have nothing to eat tonight.
C: I heard that the Mayor's Son is going to marry Miss Lunch next month, we can go and rob the wedding!
AB: Good idea!
J:(惊讶)What? What? Lunch is going to get married? Impossible!
A:Why?
B: A pretty girl and a rich man.
C: What a good couple!
J: But Lunch is my wife, we haven't got divorced yet.(突然有主意) I've got an idea! You are going to rob the wedding, aren't you? I'll go with you. you take the money, and I take the bride.
B: Have you got any experience?
J: No, but I've got this!(J 脱下鞋子，从里面抹出一张支票，上书：$1,000,000,ABC见状跟着J下台，目光跟着钱)
Act Five
(转眼已到婚礼之期，MS意气风发用红绸牵着新娘上台，L盖着红盖头极不情愿的被拉上台) （J A B C 跃至台中）
A: Hey you!
BCJ: Stop and listen to us!
A: The road is built by me.
B: And I planted one tree!
C: If you want to go by this street...
J: Give us all your money!
(L 听到J 的声音，掀起了盖头)
L: （惊喜万分）Johnny! (不顾一切地飞奔到J 的身后)
（MS大怒，挥拳向J 打来，J 矮身一躲，MS 打中J 身后的L , L晕倒）
J: (火冒三丈) How dare you beat my wife! (挥拳打向MS)
(J与 MS混战，JM悄悄上在MS后)
J: (指着MS后向MS讲)Hey, Pretty girl!
(MS向后一望，JM用拐杖将其打倒)
（J 将MS胸前的新郎标志撤下来，戴在自己的胸前）
J: (扶起L,关切地问)Honey, How are you?
L:(Crying...) Thurtalot!
J: Don't cry baby, I'll fetch some medicine for you (下台)
L:(起身去追)Wait for me!(跑下台)
（音乐起：罗密欧与祝英台）
END...
篇三：孔雀东南飞(英语剧本)
《孔雀东南飞》
人物列表： 刘兰芝 (L) 焦仲卿(J)焦母(JM)
刘 母(LM)太守之子(MS) 强盗(C)
小组成员：
第一幕
J:（J作被打状跑上台，内砸出一卷纸筒，J被打中，狼狈不(内（内砸出一卷手纸）
仲卿：Everybody says that I’m nenpecked but in fact, I’m as strong as a tiger, (小声) While my wife is WuSong(指着上台处的门大声道)I’m not afraid of you!(内砸出一脸盆，J接住当成盾牌护着头)Then, I’m afarid of whom? My wife lunch is the most famous woman in the neighbor-hood. She is braver than me, smarter than me and stronger than me. An this I do not care. I only want her to tender than me. But she is not! Having a wife like this is just likes living in the hell! (内又砸出一卷纸筒，击中J).My God! Who can help me?（F）
焦母：I can! Lunch! Lunch! Where are you?
兰芝：I’m here! What’s up, mum?
焦母：I’ve told you again and again that you should call me my most beautiful, graceful and deavest mother-in-law
兰芝：Ok, my most beautiful, graceful and deavest mother-in-law, What’s up!
焦母：Since you married my son, you have behaved so badly, You have been so rude so brusque ,so lazy...
兰芝：But...
焦母：Never interrupt me!
兰芝：Never interrupt me too! Since I married your son ,that terrible Johnny. I have been working hard all day long, cooking and washing . I have raise tens of thousands of pigs and ducks and chicken, and…
焦母：But all those you have done aren’t as valuable as a grandson!
兰芝：(生气地挥动着锅铲)：Oh, you want a grandson, don’t you(开始解围裙)Go and ask your son. I’m leaving(扯下围裙扔在焦母脸上).
焦母：Impudicity. Come back! Come back.
第二幕
(刘母坐在台上打毛线，兰芝拿着铁锅上)
兰芝:Mum, I’m back!
刘母：you are back？Why? What happened?
兰芝：I was kicked out by my most beautiful, graceful and dearvest mother-in-law.
刘母:(惊讶，但随即露出幸灾乐祸的神情)：see！I have already told you! When you msisted on maying that terrible Johnny, I told you that heisugly stupid and poor, but you didn’t listen to me . Look at yourself…
L: But, mum ……
LM: Never interrupt me!
L: Mum, I’m not interrupting you .I just want to tell you that you are always right. Ok? And I’ll marry whomever you want me to.
LM: (大喜)Pretty girl! Just now, I met the mayor’s son in the market. He said:“If your daughter haven’t been married, I really want to marry her!”
LM: Now LanZhi is free again, I’ll go and tell him.(下) （刘母来到太子府，知道太守之子）
第四幕
LM: You good luck is coming, My daughter LanZhi now is at home And she would marry to you.
MS: How nice it is? Oh, thank you ever so much. Thank you very much for everything you have done for me.
LM: I believe you, Go ahead.
第五幕
LM: the mayor’s son wamtea to marry to you. I had agreed.
L(惊讶)what? The mayor’s son? The most famous play bod in the neighbor-hood?(手中的锅铲掉在地上)what a silly thing I have done!(下)
第六幕
（J睡眼惺忪着上了场）
J（边走边道）：Lunch! Lunch! Where are my socks? （走了几步，在地上捡起了袜子）Here you are!（闻一下）Er! How smelly! They are still dirty!（突然想起来）Lunch has gone! I have to wash them myself.（沮丧地）（他的肚子似乎咕咕地叫了起来）Oh, I’m so hungry! But there’s no breakfast.（捡起了地上的围裙）This is what lunch always wears! I miss her so much, and her excellent cooking skill! Now she has gone. I have to cook for my mother and myself. JM（可怜地拄着拐杖走上场）：Where’s my breakfast? Where is my lunch? Hasn’t she got up yet?
J: Mum, can’t you remember? Lunch has gone!
JM（沉吟片刻）:Well! To tell you the truth of Johnny, a son without a wife is useless. Lunch is a nice girl, go and take her back! J（立正敬礼）：Yes, madam!
第七幕
（J开心地走着，忽然跳出三个强盗）
A: Hey you! Stop and listen to me. The road is built by me. （抬脚重重地踩在一块大石头上）
B：And I planted one tree! （亦抬脚踩在同一块石头上，再次跺
《 《孔雀东南飞》英语剧本,搞笑版的孔雀东南飞故事。》出自：百味书屋链接地址：http://m.850500.com/news/114692.html 转载请保 留,谢谢!
